is your mom at the bar?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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