i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
