Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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