I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
