I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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