I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
