what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
