he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
