well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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