And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
