Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
