Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
