it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
