Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
