I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize