thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
