You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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