I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
