I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
