Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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