my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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