youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
