god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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