I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
