A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
