You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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