My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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