my phone needs a breathalizer
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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