Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
