I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
