got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
