In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize