booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
