I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Drake has all the answers
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
