We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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