Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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