I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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