i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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