He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize