I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
