I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
