he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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