Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
