Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
if only i could text you this smell
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
