dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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