I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
