I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Let's get the cat blown out
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
