OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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