Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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