Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
