Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
