Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
