all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
