Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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