My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
