I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
