Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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