I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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