Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I need a burrito and a hug.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
