I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize