so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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