i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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