if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
