I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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